I had this post in my drafts. As I re-read it, it all came flooding back again, but this time through a different lens/perspective. This post was written years ago, but I never had the courage to post it until today when a dear friend prompted me, saying these are my truths. He's right—these are my truths, and I'm ready to face the music...and really get on with true healing. All this happened 40 years ago, but it's all true—all the way up until today, which is much sunnier than those days 30-40 years ago. Here you go, ready or not, this is where I was, but today is where I AM!
There are a lot of bad effects from drugs, alcohol, and anger. I know this because I've been a slave to all of these at some point in my life.
My exposure to hard drugs started when I was 17 when I met my ex-husband. He was not only a drug user, he was a drug dealer. You name it, he could get it and he did - pot, cocaine, speed, acid, Quaaludes - the list was endless. Every drug I ever did came from him. I don't blame him for my usage, he provided it. It was my choice to partake. I was 17 and he was 30 when we met and the drugs started. The drug usage continued through our marriage, and I'm grateful that I was able to break away from that relationship, the drugs, and the anger that came with it. It's my understanding that he too, has broken away from the drugs, and for that I'm truly happy. It is now so clear that we were toxic to one another, and certainly the drugs never helped - they only masked the reality of our existence.
It was also during my marriage that I also became a slave to alcohol. I remember drinking straight gin in the mornings before work, just to face the day. You see, many days in my marriage started off with a good old-fashioned fight. We screamed and yelled at each other, and as the marriage continued, it became violent as well. It lasted 12 long years, and during those years, I fell apart so many times I couldn't keep count. I suffered a breakdown before we got married and another when the marriage finally came to a close. I was diagnosed as maniac-depressive during my marriage. After we divorced, I was able to return to a normal and productive life without the psychological disorder - most likely because my problems were largely the result of a dysfunctional relationship and my poor handling of it. I was a 17 year old child when we met, and he was 30. It just took us both a long, long time to figure out how to break away and try and be happy without each other, the drugs, alcohol or the anger.
My worst imprisonment, however, was certainly to that of anger. During my marriage I did things I'm terribly ashamed of to this day. Things I never thought I'd be capable of doing, but it's sadly amazing what drugs, alcohol, stress and a dysfunctional relationship can do to a person. For many years I was nothing short of a total and complete bitch. I was miserable; I made everyone around me miserable as well. I was terrible to live with from everyone's perspective, including my own. I punished my stepdaughter excessively and certainly made her life a living hell until the day I left and her father sent her away to live at the Baptist Children's Home. For what we both did to her I am truly sorry to this day, but especially for the part I played. In fact, there's not a day goes by that I don't stop and wish her peace and happiness. For she, more than anyone I know, deserves it.
In spite of all the anger I had for her father who refused to participate in raising her and her mother that had abandoned her for a few thousand dollars she stole from an employer, I loved her like no child I've ever loved. She would most likely argue, and I can understand why, but still in my heart there is a piece that belongs to her and always will. She was that which kept me going, and in the end she was my inspiration to leave. I finally left because I wanted more for her. I wanted her to be free of my anger, and I wanted her to see that life could be better than the example her father and I had showed her. Without her in my life, I would not be the person I am today. I have made a lot of mistakes, but today I am wiser, more understanding, patient and loving than I've ever been before, so for that I am truly grateful.
There are a lot of bad effects from drugs, alcohol, and anger. I know this because I've been a slave to all of these at some point in my life.
My exposure to hard drugs started when I was 17 when I met my ex-husband. He was not only a drug user, he was a drug dealer. You name it, he could get it and he did - pot, cocaine, speed, acid, Quaaludes - the list was endless. Every drug I ever did came from him. I don't blame him for my usage, he provided it. It was my choice to partake. I was 17 and he was 30 when we met and the drugs started. The drug usage continued through our marriage, and I'm grateful that I was able to break away from that relationship, the drugs, and the anger that came with it. It's my understanding that he too, has broken away from the drugs, and for that I'm truly happy. It is now so clear that we were toxic to one another, and certainly the drugs never helped - they only masked the reality of our existence.
It was also during my marriage that I also became a slave to alcohol. I remember drinking straight gin in the mornings before work, just to face the day. You see, many days in my marriage started off with a good old-fashioned fight. We screamed and yelled at each other, and as the marriage continued, it became violent as well. It lasted 12 long years, and during those years, I fell apart so many times I couldn't keep count. I suffered a breakdown before we got married and another when the marriage finally came to a close. I was diagnosed as maniac-depressive during my marriage. After we divorced, I was able to return to a normal and productive life without the psychological disorder - most likely because my problems were largely the result of a dysfunctional relationship and my poor handling of it. I was a 17 year old child when we met, and he was 30. It just took us both a long, long time to figure out how to break away and try and be happy without each other, the drugs, alcohol or the anger.
My worst imprisonment, however, was certainly to that of anger. During my marriage I did things I'm terribly ashamed of to this day. Things I never thought I'd be capable of doing, but it's sadly amazing what drugs, alcohol, stress and a dysfunctional relationship can do to a person. For many years I was nothing short of a total and complete bitch. I was miserable; I made everyone around me miserable as well. I was terrible to live with from everyone's perspective, including my own. I punished my stepdaughter excessively and certainly made her life a living hell until the day I left and her father sent her away to live at the Baptist Children's Home. For what we both did to her I am truly sorry to this day, but especially for the part I played. In fact, there's not a day goes by that I don't stop and wish her peace and happiness. For she, more than anyone I know, deserves it.
In spite of all the anger I had for her father who refused to participate in raising her and her mother that had abandoned her for a few thousand dollars she stole from an employer, I loved her like no child I've ever loved. She would most likely argue, and I can understand why, but still in my heart there is a piece that belongs to her and always will. She was that which kept me going, and in the end she was my inspiration to leave. I finally left because I wanted more for her. I wanted her to be free of my anger, and I wanted her to see that life could be better than the example her father and I had showed her. Without her in my life, I would not be the person I am today. I have made a lot of mistakes, but today I am wiser, more understanding, patient and loving than I've ever been before, so for that I am truly grateful.
After I left, I continued counseling and tried to the best of my ability to maintain communication with her and work through the problems I had caused her. She refused to communicate with me, and her father asked that I never contact her again. Knowing my role in this child's life and the mistakes I had made, I understood and complied - respecting her wishes and trying to understand her pain. My life though, had to go on and heal - things HAD to change. I had to make a lot of changes in my life in order to get where I am today. Yes, the road was hard, but it was worth every step of the way.
Would I change it all if I could? Absolutely!
Would I change it all if I could? Absolutely!
Can I? No.
I live with my mistakes every day and it is only by the grace of god and much counseling, work and understanding that I am able to write this today. Today I come to the world with a heart full of regret for my past and hope for tomorrow. I no longer carry the anger I once had; my friends and family see that I have suffered and worked through my issues. As a result, I am very different than I've ever been. For those I've hurt that are no longer in my day-to-day life, I can only try and live my best each and every day and wish them peace and joy.
Today I pray for peace and love, and I hope that I can one day help others that were once like me—living in fear, anger and hate—feeling as if there is no escape from the hell in which they live. If I can help but one person, I have succeeded; if I help more than one, all the better.
My life has come much a full circle. I've gone from the depths of depression and hate to the mountaintops of gratitude and joy. I am forever in debt to those that suffered with me along my path and to those that have supported me through the changes I've made.
My wish tonight for Garry and Amanda is everlasting peace and joy. I know the road we traveled was unbearable and largely because of me. I only hope that you have survived and become the better for the worst that I was.
Today I pray for peace and love, and I hope that I can one day help others that were once like me—living in fear, anger and hate—feeling as if there is no escape from the hell in which they live. If I can help but one person, I have succeeded; if I help more than one, all the better.
My life has come much a full circle. I've gone from the depths of depression and hate to the mountaintops of gratitude and joy. I am forever in debt to those that suffered with me along my path and to those that have supported me through the changes I've made.
My wish tonight for Garry and Amanda is everlasting peace and joy. I know the road we traveled was unbearable and largely because of me. I only hope that you have survived and become the better for the worst that I was.